Living Alone:: The Repercussions You Never Knew Existed

Ok, you found your place, you live alone (or with fur child), and have created a royal mess of what used to be a decent apartment. Some recent ruminations that I have discovered since living alone:

• You talk to yourself. A lot. And you talk to your dog/cat/fish/hamster. A lot. I have now found myself talking to myself in public places. Besides looking like a total schizo, and a person with severe mental problems and/or several imaginary friends, I have found that people do not react well to crazies mumbling to themselves. Note to self - will not attract opposite sex
• You start making noises that your 5 year old self used to find amusing. And you make up songs. And sing them to your dog. While dancing in your apartment with your work shirt on and sweatpants.
• Doing the dishes goes from a "must" to a "maybe later, or at least after this game of Mario Kart".
• That bottle of wine you used to share with someone? Well, you stopped sharing, and will finish said bottle of wine on your own. On a Tuesday evening. And are drunk. On a Tuesday evening. By yourself. In sweatpants and a work shirt, singing to your dog.
• Normal dietary options go out the window. Popcorn and wine for dinner - sure! Leftover turkey and ramen, sounds delicious! Mac & Cheese for breakfast? More like BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!
• Hoarding occurs. All that SPACE in your OWN APARTMENT! To fill up with crap! Awesome.
• No one is there to regulate on you after a particularly fun evening, and therefore no one is telling you to go to bed. So, you wake up at 4 am with your apartment filled with smoke from the pizza you HAD TO HAVE at 2 am, and your facebook status is updated to something that is not quite coherent.
• You have worn the same sweatpants for 2 weeks in a row, and have not cleaned them.

And sometimes I wonder why I am single...

Meeting New People:: Your future ex is just around the corner!

"Luck is directly correlated to the amount of people you know"

My good family friend told me this one day, and it is a motto I live by. This has stood true for me in my career (the last 3 "big girl" jobs I have had in my career have been through recommendations of people I know), and I am hoping it will come through for me with love.

First off, THIS IS NOT NETWORKING. Alright, it's a bit like networking, but that word has become a negative term in the 21st century. What a chore to have to network! Let's think of it as more a casual encounter with people you are interested in knowing. By taking a look at your different social circles, we can assess where in your life meeting your "future ex" will be the most likely. This post is not about blind dates, bar meet-ups, or online dating. Rather, it is about expanding your current social circle to meet all kinds of people.

FRIENDS

This is most likely your first "go-to" when looking to meet new people. While you may be comfortable in your tight knit group, I would suggest looking elsewhere. You never know who will be willing to introduce you their brother/friend/ex. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. So, find those friends you have not seen in a while. Call them. Connect with them. Say YES to every invite you get - from that random house party, to happy hour, to the set up. Realize that you are not going to meet your "future ex" by sitting on the couch with your dog. And yes, I am including you surfing on Match.com. (Online dating is for another post). Get yourself out there. And, hey, look, you may even have some fun doing it!

FAMILY

I am fortunate enough to live in the same city as my sister. She and I are very close, however we run with different crowds. She is also single, and is continually is meeting various guys through her social circle. While they may not be HER particular cup of tea, she does realize that they could be mine. And, if she thinks they are great, then I am sure that I will think they are great. This is all about pre-qualified leads.

How many times has your mom nagged you about the person she wants to set you up with? Well, just say yes already! You might as well go on that date. Your mom has nothing but your best intentions in mind, and you might as well humor her. Oh, and if the date goes horribly wrong, you have ammunition to guilt her over the next several years. Heck, Kim Kardashian let her mom set her up. And she is trusting a woman with a bowl cut to get her love life in order. So, why shouldn't you?

CO WORKERS/WORK FRIENDS

How did I met my ex who inspired this blog? By a kiwanis group I was a part of. Yes, my "networking" group for work led me into a 4 year relationship. Believe me, I was VERY skeptical at first. They were very excited about setting me up, and all I could think is that these people did not know me at all. But, I let it happen, and ended up being very happy (well, until the break up). You may think that these people have NO CLUE on your tastes or preferences, however you will be pleasantly surprised. So, if they say "I have someone who would be PERFECT for you", just go with it. Again, if it goes wrong, you at least will get free coffee for the rest of the week from your guilt-ridden co worker.

Oh, and that cute co-worker who has caught your eye? The one 2 down from your cubicle. I have one word for you: DON'T. Do not date co-workers. Just like you do not shit where you eat. It is a bad idea. I don't care how cute they are. You know how MISERABLE that will be when it goes downhill? Think you can be the exception to the rule? Well, you are probably wrong. I know ONE relationship that has worked between co-workers. And I know a LOT of people. According to facebook, I have 862 friends. So, trust that the odds of you being 1 out of 862 is slim to none. Go try your luck on the lottery ticket, and move on.

Before you dive into the world of online dating (and there is NOTHING wrong with online dating), give the real world a try. Your social skills will increase, and you will be able to try new and fun experiences. Sure beats the couch surfing you have been doing.

Facebook:: Photo Memories BLOW

I saw a great article today on MSN.com showing how Facebook will no longer throw your ex in the "Photo Memories" area of Facebook. Check it out if you have a second!

http://technolog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2010/10/21/5322759-facebook-hides-photos-of-your-ex-so-you-dont-have-to?GT1=43001

Pet Ownership:: Where Will Fido Go?

Meet Cali. My Border Terrier. Note the operative word - "MY". N and I got Cali in March of 2010. I found her, I purchased her, and I was responsible for all doggie-related billings, so she naturally came with me in the break up.

You have a dog/cat/goldfish that you purchased together. You both love your pet equally. Who gets to keep Fido? That is a conversation that will cause a lot of tears, yelling, and anger. Hopefully, you are the direct "owner" when purchasing the pet, therefore you will have all legal rights to the animal. If you are not on the paperwork anywhere - you are SOL. I hate to tell you this, but if you did not bother to get your name on the adoption papers or breeding contract, then you have no right to your pet. Legally, your ex can take you to court, and take their rightful property.

If you both have duel ownership, it may come down to what is right for your fur child. Does one of you have a more flexible schedule to take care of the animal? Is there a better living situation for your pet to be in? I love my dog like most people love their children, and while I had total rights to Cali, in the case of N and I, I would have had to give her up. He had the house with the backyard, he had the more flexible work schedule, and he would have had a better opportunity to be a good pet parent. I (fortunately) got a new job right as N and I broke up, so my work schedule has become a lot more flexible. And, I can bring the little lady to work with me, so I ended up with the better deal.

You get to keep Fido? Way to go! There is nothing like unconditional pet love, and animals have a way of comforting you like no one else can. So,we now breach on visitation rights. Do you allow your ex in your pet's life? Again, depends on the situation. I do not allow N to see Cali. There is no visitation rights, and I don't care to see him, so I do not allow him to see her. However, in the case of duel ownership, your ex may insist on visitation rights in the beginning. I say keep it short, sweet, and at a mutual location. Your ex will eventually move on, and will no longer feel the need to see the animal, however in the beginning, expect a lot of phone calls.

If you have any questions or concerns about who gets to keep Fido, may I suggest this website? It seems that many people have fur child custody battles, so just know that you are not the first. Nor will you be the last.

Co-Habitation:: When there is no place to call a home

If you were in a similar situation as mine, then you were happily "living in sin" with your significant other. I know that couples living together these days is much more popular and common than our parent's era, and rightfully so. When you spend so much time with someone, it seems silly to pay 2 rents. Its also a great way to really get to know someone, and decide whether this relationship is something that you really want for the rest of your life. I read an article once that said living with someone before marriage increases your chances of divorce (if you go down the marriage route). I am sure this is true to a certain extent, and I may do my next relationship differently, but I did enjoy the experience of living with my ex.

N purchased a house back in October of 2007, and it was a foreclosure. He and I spent 2+ years remodeling the house together. While I put some money into the place, we had agreed that I would furnish the house, and he would pay for the expenses of fixing the house up. In the long run, this was a VERY wise decision. I am extremely thankful now that we had talked about this, even though at the time, I thought it was silly to divide up the expenses. It was a "pre-nup" of sorts, and I HIGHLY suggest that you discusses various options with your future room mate in regards to finances. Not the most romantic thing, but it sure saved my ass in the end.

When N and I ended the relationship, it was obvious that I was the one that had to move out. The title of the house was in his name alone (also a wise decision), however almost ALL the furniture was mine. As I mentioned - our relationship ended because things were not working out, and therefore their was not as much anger as a violent end (although believe me - the anger is there, it just comes a bit later). Therefore, I had to get out. Being the list person I am, I prioritized my options, and created a check list of things to do. It's easier to get through the motions when you have an end goal in mind.

• Find a place to live - FAST. Sign lease, get keys and get move in date
• Pack up all items that are RIGHTFULLY yours.
• Hire movers
• Get the FUCK OUT!

Finding a Place to Live
I absolutely understand your desperation and need to get the hell out of your current situation, however you need to like your new place. Do NOT settle on the first thing that comes your way, and be sure you are comfortable in your new living environment. As a female, I was looking for a place near friends that was in a safe and reliable neighborhood. Oh, and I needed rent to be as low as possible. Oh, and can you accommodate for a dog? (Dog will be another post). So, as you can see, I had a lot of criteria to fill. However, I was able to find a place, sign a lease, and move in 8 days. Do be aware that I called over 35 different apartment complexes, looked at about a dozen, and found my place. All in 2 days.

• Craig's List: Get on Craig's List ASAP. Look through different listings. Email people. I went with the pity route and told potential landlords that I was in a sticky situation, as my boyfriend and I broke up, and I had to find a place to live as in yesterday. Most of the listings on Craig's List are owners looking for renters fairly immediately. This is how I found my fabulous apartment.
• Rent.com: While on Craig's list, also sign up for Rent.com. Normally the places listed have immediate availability, and Rent.com will even give you $100 to move in if you use them to find the properties. There are other web sites available like this, so just google them. Once you find a property you like, CALL IMMEDIATELY. Get an appointment to walk through the place. Or, just find out their leasing hours, and just show up.
• Drive/Walk: Go to the neighborhood you would like to live in. Walk around. Call the "For Rent" signs. Buzz the manager on duty. Be an obnoxious solicitor, however do realize that the difference between you and the sleazy door-to-door sales man is that you are trying to GIVE these people money.

Just be relentless. In this economy, renting is a bit more difficult, but if you are persistent, you WILL find a place. If you cannot find a place in a quick amount of time, I suggest talking to your ex, and discussing a temporary living situation. If you are the one that has to move out, make them go to a friends/family members place for a bit. DO NOT DISPLACE yourself if you are the one having to move. This is the least they can do for you, and HOLD YOUR GROUND.

Pack Your Items:
Once we determined that we were done, I called my parents. My dad said one thing to me, and I now say the same thing to you: "Take every fucking thing that is yours." If you paid for it, it is coming with you. Get those shelves off the walls, the curtain rods, the paintings, the dishes, etc. And that is exactly what I did. When I moved out of the house, I left N 2 couches, a queen sized bed, a coffee maker, some knives, and wine glasses. I took everything else that was mine.

Some couples will divide higher cost items (for instance, a couch or a TV). If this is the case, you need to talk to them about dividing the items. THIS SUCKS MAJOR BALLS people! Trust in the fact that it's awful to try and divide assets without lawyers present. If you want to take something larger that you paid half of, you need to recoup the costs to your ex. It's only right, and it's only fair. Also, if you do this, be SURE to grab a notary and have him sign off on a "receipt" of sorts. Just cover your ass. I know it sounds crazy, but you do not want to be tied up in small claims court over a stupid couch or a useless TV. If you have EVER watched Judge Judy, you know that this may be a possibility. If material items are not worth the fight to you, then just let it go. Be sure to do this in a rash and calm state, as you may say "fuck it" to an item, and only realize that you really want it months later. And, you will never get it back. Trust.

Now, trying to pack up everything along with being bitter, jaded, depressed, and a bit drunk the whole week (again, vodka), my friend came to my rescue. They showed up all week long, and while I drank, they packed. All I had to do was point at items and say "Mine" or "Not Mine". Frankly, I am still not sure how I got everything out, however I know that my friends did it for me, and I did not have to worry about a thing.

Hire Movers
While all of the above seems like it may take a long time, I am reminding you that I got out of my house in 8 days. That's all the time I needed. After 2+ years of co-habitation, I got out in 8 days. This would have NEVER happened if I did not have 3 things available to me

• Kick Ass Friends and Family
• A GREAT moving company
• An emergency fund

Movers are ESSENTIAL if you have large ticket items. Realize that your friends and family have essentially packed your entire life for you. You can only ask so much of them, and they will be willing to help you move, but only if it's one trip, and one carload of stuff. Remember, moving sucks. So, hire movers to get the big ticket items. You will be thankful in the end that you spent the money on someone else taking this (literally) heavy burden away from you. Google movers in your area and read reviews. Call and get quotes. Then BOOK the least expensive and most reliable people.

Between movers, the items you have to leave behind, and a deposit for a new place, an emergency fund was essential. I was very thankful to have money available to me quickly. Regardless, you should have a savings account, however if you don't - start stockpiling. You never know when that extra cash is going to come in handy.

Get the FUCK OUT

That it. Get the hell outta Dodge and don't look back. It hurts too much to look back.

MySpace:: The Poor Man's Match.com

If you are still on MySpace, then I have to assume you are one of 4 things:

• Not of US Nationality
• A Starving Artist
• A Pervert and/or Amateur Porn Star (did I say Amateur - I meant Aspiring!)
• A 12 year old boy posing as a 21 year old to chat up "ladies" - VERY ILLEGAL I MIGHT ADD!!!

I had a MySpace account circa 2004-2006, however I deleted it after I had 20 different friend requests from various ladies named "Chasity" or "Roxy". If you still have MySpace, then go to this article on how to remove friends. Oh, and I can guarantee you, I will probably be saying the same thing I stated above about Facebook in 5 years. The great and terrible thing about technology - it's forever changing.

Twitter:: The Lazy Man's Facebook

Twitter - I dabbled in Twitter for a while, and decided to remove my profile. Frankly, I feel like there is enough whining on Facebook, and I don't need to hear about Kanye West's latest tribulation in less than 140 words. If you do tweet, or if your Facebook status is linked to your twitter account, then I suggest just deleting your ex from your twitter account all together. You don't want or need to know his/her latest status, nor do you care to find out about the "hottie" they are hanging out with at the club.

If you do have your Facebook and Twitter accounts linked, be SURE to restrict your ex on your Facebook for status updates. (Questions on how to do that - see this post). Since I don't have a Twitter account, feel free to follow these friendly instructions on how to remove a follower.

Facebook:: To Defriend or To Not Defriend - That is the Question

Ok, you have now successfully done the two hardest things on Facebook - Status Change and Photo Eradication. Here comes the last part on Facebook. Do you defriend or do you not defriend?

The double edge sword of this dilemma lies in your mutual friends. If you had an awful break up (cheating, lying, abuse, etc.), I would suggest defriending your ex, and ANY mutual friends you may have. A mutual friend will be someone that you only hung out with because your ex was friends with them. If you have created a great bond with some people you have met through your ex, by all means, keep them on the friend list. But trust me - it's is easier in the long run for your anger and sanity to not be friends with all of their friends. This also goes for family members.

I had a fairly sane break up, and my ex and I ended because things just weren't simply working out. Therefore, we have remained friends on Facebook, along with our mutual friends. HOWEVER, I have restricted him on access to my profile (along with his family). He is under my "Work" list. (Oh, and if you are a professional, I HIGHLY suggest you have a "Work" list regardless. No one in your office needs to see all your wall posts or photos). Doing a "list" is easier than individually extracting them from your Facebook, as you can add others to the list, and it will automatically default to the list settings.

To Create a "Work List" or an "Ex List", use the instructions below:
(Valid as of September 13th, 2010)

• Login to Facebook
• Go to Account - Edit Friends
• Click on "Create New List" on the top of the page
• Once the pop up box comes up, name your list
• Select your Ex (and whatever mutual friends you may like to have on this list as well)
• Click on "Create List"

Once your list is created, you are now going to have to do some extensive editing. So, be sure to follow the below instructions, or else this list will not work.

• Go to Account - Privacy Settings
• Click "Customize Settings"
• Go through EVERYTHING you would like to restrict your ex to. Under the "Things I Share" (and this includes photo albums) "Things Other Share" and "Contact Information".
• Under the drop down lists, click on "Customize" and you can see the "Hide This From" option. If you start typing your list name, it will pull that list up, and you will be able to save the changes.

Don't forget to remove your ex's status updates from your newsfeed if you decide to keep them on as a friend. You don't need their face popping up everytime you login to Facebook.

• Go to your Home page.
• Scroll down to the bottom of your News Feed
• Click on "Edit Options"
• Type in your Ex's name, and any mutual friends you may not want to see their updates

Do note that you cannot do a friend list under these options - this one is all individual.

This is really the last thing you need to do on Facebook to wash your digital hands free of a relationship. Its hard, it sucks, but once you accomplish this, you will feel much better. I promise you!

Facebook:: 1,963 Photos

Oh, yes, how incredibly awesome is it when you realize that the majority of your photos on Facebook are with your significant other? And that you have entire albums dedicated to trips/birthday parties/family vacations/holidays/etc. What do you do with all those photos?

Fortunately, you have several different options when it comes to facebook photos. My computer crashed last year, so there are 2+ years of photos on Facebook that I cannot access anywhere else. Therefore, I had to go with the following option below, as deleting full on albums was not a luxury I could afford. Let's be honest - you are going to want to look back at those photos when you are in a happier place. Or when you are having a great "Pity; Party of One" on a lonely Saturday night with a nice tall glass of vodka.


Option #1: The "Only Me" Option
(Again, this is available to you as of September 13th, 2010)

• Login to Facebook
• Go to Account - Privacy Settings
• Click "Customize Setting"
• Click "Edit Album Privacy"
• Go through your albums. Feel free to make some of them "Only Me", and customize others for particular people to view.

When you make albums that are available for you only to view, it allows you to keep the photos on Facebook, but no one (including yourself) has to know. I enjoy this option best, as it's like a dirty little secret that only you know you have. And, it will drive the other significant other nuts that the photos "disappeared", however they still remained "tagged" (vindictive, I know, but yet still satisfying).

Option #2 - Delete, Delete, Delete

This option is the easiest, and most cutthroat of them all. You are DONE. Done with photos, the jerk/bitch cheated on you, or you cry every time you see a picture of you and your significant other. Just delete your albums.

• Login to Facebook
• Go to your Profile
• Click on "My Photos"
• Go to any particular album you would like to delete
• Go to "Edit Album"
• Under the "Edit Album" feature, go to the "Delete Tab"
• Delete the album, and any memories you may have from it

Now, if this is the case, and you are so bold to delete your albums on Facebook, may I also suggest erasing them from your hard drive. And burning any said printed photos around the house. If you don't do all of the above, it's like going on a diet. You will ALWAYS lose your willpower, and cheat. Those photos are the "Twinkies" of your computer. You know they are there, and late one night, they will call to you. And you will succumb.

Option # 3 - Un-Tag

Probably the most passive agressive approach, however this does work. Go through your photos. Untag your ex. Untag yourself from photos your ex has up. Just do a virtual clense, and you will be much happier for it.

Whichever option you decide to go with, I wish you the best. Photos are difficult, as they are a constant reminder of the good time you had with your ex. No one ever takes photos of the screaming matches or the sad times. If they did, photos would be a whole hell of a lot easier to look at.

Facebook:: Suck It, Status Change

"If you can't be friends face to face, then you should not be friends on MySpace"

So, I am aware - MySpace is SUPER outdated, and that only perverts, starving artists, and 12 year olds are on there anymore. But, my slogan would not work with Facebook, so there you have it.



Everyone, and (now literally) their mom has a Facebook Profile. Despite the fact that Facebook is the perfect balance of a complete waste of time and shameless self promotion, it is also a very useful tool on keeping tabs on people. You know what they are doing, where they have been, who they are hanging out with. And, now with more social media websites popping up, its even easier to know where someone is. Share a cell phone plan with a significant other? Don't worry, you can GPS track them. Or check their texts online. It's very scary, that in this day and age, a computer hooked up to the internet can get you more knowledge about a person than you will ever need. Your ex can become as stealthful as a CIA agent - and that's WITHOUT the government handing him a file with your name on it. How do you extract the 1000+ photos, and the 746 friends you mutually share on facebook? Oh, its a challange, but can be done. But first, lets address the ever-so-dreaded Facebook RELATIONSHIP STATUS CHANGE.

Ending your "relationship" on facebook is potentially the most dreaded and feared action you must take in order to begin extracting your virtual life with someone. If I can offer advise before divulging into this portion of this post, I would like to tell people to NEVER PUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS ON FACEBOOK. I would like to repeat this - NEVER PUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS ON FACEBOOK. Just leave it blank. No one needs to know if you are "Single" or "In A Relationship" or "It's Complicated". JUST LEAVE IT BLANK. Now, if you made the mistake I did on putting your relationship status on your profile, it is very easy to descreetly remove it. (The below instructions work for Facebook as of September 13th, 2010)

• Login to Facebook
• Go to Account - Privacy Settings
• Click "Customize Settings"
• Under "Things I Share", change "Relationships" to "Customize Settings" and Select "Only Me"

Once you change your status to "Only Me", you can then go to your profile and click on your "Info" tab. Once under the "Info" tab, click the Edit button. This will then lead you to a screen where you can choose "Relationships" and change your box to blank, or single, or whatever you prefer. Easy, right?

Haha, LOL, JK, ROFL, LMAO, did I say easy? I meant heart-wrenching and gut-punching. Go ahead, cry. Feel free to let it out for a couple of minutes. You just ended your virtual and real relationship with someone. Sometimes it does not seem like such a reality that you are actually done with someone, until you see it in writing. I know it hit me harder than I thought it would to change that status, but this will affect everyone differently. Just do us all a favor, and don't take out your sadness or aggression on the computer. You will thank me later when you are not having to purchase a new lap/desktop for $500+. You have to save that money for things like moving expenses, or private detectives.

The Beginning of The End

The inspiration of this blog came from my first initial break up with boyfriend N. We had been dating for 6 months back in 2006-2007, and he dumped me. Distraught and upset, I turned to friends and vodka. I was talking to a good friend while drinking, and I told her that I wished there was a 21st century manual to help navigate through all of the motions of breaking up with a significant other. With the introduction of MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, 4square and the like, how was a girl supposed to move on? The digital trail of your ex can be lethal, especially when you know how to face stalk with the best of them. And let's just get it out there right now - you know that given the opportunity, you will sit on his facebook page just waiting for another person to post SOMETHING about his love life. You will also peruse "casually" through your mutual friends to see if he has any photos of a new girl you don't know. I know. I have been there.

N and I worked things out, and I continued to date him from 2007 to July 9th, 2010. On Friday, July 9th, my relationship ended with N. (If you care to hear the gruesome story, check out my other blog here) Again, I turned to friends and vodka. The same girlfriend mentioned to me that she bet I wished I wrote that break-up manual back in 2007. I laughed, but it got me thinking. Why DON'T I write a blog about breaking up, based upon first hand experience? I am no expert on love and relationships, but I am a 26 year old girl who has learned a lot in the last several months. I am hoping some of my wisdom may assist others in getting through an awful, no good, very bad time in life.

Oh, and I suggest vodka. Vodka will always help any situation.